The Power of Acceptance

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The concept of acceptance lies at the heart of the healing process for many psychological issues, including NPD.

Previously, I worked in an intensive outpatient treatment program where we employed the Acceptance and Commitment Therapy model, often abbreviated as ACT. We helped individuals struggling with severe anxiety disorders and OCD, who were experiencing excruciating suffering with increasingly narrow lives. Understandably, they were often resistant when we first talked about acceptance. They didn't want to accept their anxiety; they wanted to get rid of it. However, the paradoxical truth is that acceptance is one of the best ways to reduce the hold that almost any psychological issue has over your life.

Why acceptance is so powerful

A significant percentage of mental illness suffering is caused by the struggles that occur inside of us. We fight against our feelings, thoughts, fantasies, and fears, attempting to "get rid of them" because they trouble us. However, it isn't possible to eliminate thoughts and feelings. The more we think and stress over them, the more room they take up in our minds. It's like trying not to think about an elephant - the harder we try not to do so, the more we think about it. The harder we fight our thoughts and feelings, the more they take over.

“That which you resist, persists.” Carl Jung

By embracing acceptance, we experience a fundamental shift in our stance towards whatever troubles us. As the anxiety patients worked towards acceptance, they experienced fewer panic attacks, fewer obsessions, and fewer compulsions. The cloud of dread about having another attack slowly transformed into an acceptance that attacks will occur, freeing up energy to refocus on living a life full of meaning rather than one spent trying to avoid more attacks.

I must emphasize that acceptance isn't the only tool needed for healing and recovery. However, I would argue that it's one of the most critical tools.

Acceptance isn't passive resignation.

You shouldn't throw your hands up and resign yourself to whatever is troubling you. That is a passive stance that tends to drive people deeper into their issues. Instead, acceptance is an active embrace of what is there, with understanding and compassion.

Now, let's discuss how this concept applies to narcissism.

Narcissistic individuals fight against parts of themselves, struggling against feelings of inferiority, envy, shame, weakness, and humiliation. They try to become someone else, a person who doesn't experience unwanted feelings - a self-sufficient person whom others envy. Need, dependency, vulnerability - these experiences belong to a part of the narcisssistic individual that is split off and hidden away, even from the self. These experiences are often disavowed and pushed away until they inevitably gain enough mass to take over and cause a collapse of the individual's grandiose defenses.

The attempt to remove unwanted parts of the self creates instability in a person's self-image, relationships, and professional life. The harder we fight against who we are, the harder we fall.

"A house divided against itself cannot stand." Abraham Lincoln

This is where acceptance comes into play. The unwanted parts of the self represent authentic experiences, holding essential pieces of our story that cannot be left out. We lose more than we gain by trying to disown them. Healing the self means integration, no longer existing as split-off parts of a person. That means taking profound ownership of whatever exists inside the self, including accepting the defensive adaptations developed to hide and protect vulnerable parts.

Grandiosity, arrogance, entitlement, self-centeredness – these are the parts of the narcissistic experience that society rejects, and many individuals with this disorder internalize that rejection and use it to further segment and divide their internal experience. A house divided cannot stand. We cannot achieve peace hating what’s inside of us.

So whatever you are struggling with, consider what your life could be like without that struggle. Remember, that doesn’t mean giving in or resigning. It means accepting what its inside as a foundation for any work that might come after. Consider the possibility that you could be a whole person, that you could mix your peas and mashed potatoes, so to speak, and that you could still be okay. It’s a long process, and often a painful one. It’s hard to do on your own – and that’s why therapy is so important. But there is a simple step you can take to get started on the path of acceptance.

Where to Begin

Many people have heard about mindfulness meditation. Mindfulness is all about acceptance. Study after study continually shows us that this basic shift in stance toward our mental life is profoundly impactful.

Here’s how you do it:

Find a comfortable place to sit. Keep a straight back. Set a timer for 5 minutes. Close your eyes. Focus on breathing in and out. Let the air go all the way down to your diaphragm. Now just watch. Thoughts will come. You might feel ridiculous, or impatient. You might feel skeptical. You might have an itch. You’ll wonder when the time will be up. Etc.

All of it is normal. Your only job is to watch and let go. Notice thoughts and feelings, and try not to judge them. Try not to push them away or cling to them. Try to just watch and let them go. If you feel frustrated that you aren’t doing it right, just notice that feeling and the judgement attached to it, and let it go. When you notice you have drifted away from your breath and into your thoughts, gently return your attention to your breath.

That’s it. When the timer goes off, get up and go about your day. Over time, extend the time you are meditating up to 20-30 minutes.

Meditation is both easier and more difficult than it sounds. Active acceptance is like a muscle that needs to be exercised in order to get strong. Every time you notice a thought, feeling, or experience and then let it go, you are practicing acceptance. The more you do this, the better you will get at being less reactive to unwanted thoughts and feelings in your daily life.

Over time, you’ll notice more space inside, more peace, less division.

If you have trouble sitting in silence, there are many apps that can help with guided mindfulness meditations. Consider making it a daily practice.

This is general information and isn’t intended to address anyone’s specific situation. If you struggle with narcissism or NPD, you should seek the support of a licensed mental health professional who is trained in working with this particular disorder. They can help you learn to recognize the internal divisions and defenses that drive narcissistic pathology.

There are many parts of the self that we can’t see on our own.

“Some thoughts take two people to think.” Wilfred Bion